I struggle between the I’m going to use what little energy I have today to breathe and maybe blink that’s about it shirt it is in the first place but wistful image I have of myself as a radiant, long haired, goddess mother dripping with pendant necklaces, and that of a sad, bedraggled, struggling-artist mom in baggy jeans who practically needs a gun held to her head to get her teeth brushed each day. Sometimes (ok, almost every day) I self-medicate by eating an entire bar of chocolate in one sitting. The difference between pre-treatment me and recovery me is that I am quite aware I’m eating feelings that are too big to process at the moment and I don’t beat myself up about it. I will let those emotions move through me when I’m ready, on my own timeline. The work I did in that decade of therapy holds up. It’s solid down to the foundation. There wasn’t a single crevice of my life that my bulimia hadn’t affected, and I’d been at war with my body for so long that it took years to even conceive of any other kind of experience being possible, but I did it. It’s an accomplishment that took exactly one quarter of my 42 years on Earth to achieve, and it goes relatively unsung.
I’m going to use what little energy I have today to breathe and maybe blink that’s about it shirt, hoodie, tank top, sweater and long sleeve t-shirt
I still think fashion as an industry is Not For Me. In no way do I relate to the I’m going to use what little energy I have today to breathe and maybe blink that’s about it shirt it is in the first place but well curated Influencer Moms or the Fashion Plate Mommies sprinkled throughout the city in their suspiciously clean shoes and unstained shirts. In fact, I have an acute and humorless disdain for most of it. The business of fashion is a cold-blooded financial and psychic vampire, not to mention an ecological nightmare. But fashion as self expression? I couldn’t live without it. The days when I hit my stride and piece together a look that transforms my mood from an ephemeral vapor into a visual platform feels like some sort of alchemy, and makes all the confusing, frustrating mirror days worth it. And, thankfully, wide legs and jumpsuits are evergreen. Growing up I thought that when one became a mommy she would stop caring about her look; I mean, you have your life all figured out, so why on earth would your looks be important anymore? I remember I asked my mom once if she still attempted to look good at her age. She was as old as 35 then. What an innocent little girl I was! Being a young 32-year-old mommy today, I finally see it differently. I SURE DO CARE ABOUT MY LOOK!